Stargazer
by Ginger Anastase
Summary: "I'm sorry that I can't love you," Tanith breathed, "I'm sorry that I fell out of love with you."
1. Chapter 1

**Hello there, readers. **

**I am NOT, I repeat NOT, abandoning Dark Souls; I just felt like writing something new. I don't plan on this being anything more than a oneshot but you never know. This is a concept I've been mulling over for a while but I've never really written anything down until now. I apologize for the possibly OOC-ness. I suppose this is Ghanith but essentially, it's Tanguine. I hope you like it. :)**

**Carolina Blues xx**

"Are you okay, love?"

Tanith flinched in surprise at the sound of Ghastly's voice and quickly plastered a smile on her face before she turned to him. The smile felt unnatural to her so she jerkily turned back, letting the short-lived smirk disappear.

"I'm fine," she replied croakily. She was curled up on the armchair beside the window in Ghastly's tailor shop, gazing at the stars that pin-pricked the velvety night sky. The fathomless night sky distracted her from the real world and she loved it for that. She found comfort in imagining herself among the stars, in visualizing herself far away from the life she was living.

Ghastly pulled a chair up beside her, interrupting her thoughts with the screech of chair legs on floorboards.

"You don't sound fine, or look fine for that matter," he reasoned, the concern in his voice as strong as his deep Irish accent. Tanith refused to look at him, keeping her weary eyes on one particular star that was on the brink of being engulfed by the soft glow of the moon. She felt exactly like that, on the edge.

"Well, it's nice to know I still look good," she muttered sarcastically. Ghastly chuckled quietly.

He smiled kindly at her. "You know that's not what I mean. It's just…you're not eating, you barely sleep. I'm worried about you. Please, tell me what's wrong?"

Tanith closed her eyes in defeat, letting the tears drown out her eyes. The pure love for her in Ghastly's voice made her want to disappear from the blanket she was wrapped in. The tone of devotion made her feel gorgeous and wanted but she couldn't reciprocate it anymore. The guilt crushed her until she thought she should be nothing more than a pile of torn up muscle and broken bones. She didn't open her eyes for the tears were threatening to pour through the gaps between her lashes.

Never had Ghastly confronted her like this before, he had normally just let her strange behaviour pass him by. He was always careful around her after the Remnant had been agonizingly and painstakingly removed from her. Other people had questioned her none stop as to what had happened while she was possessed but Ghastly had just put an arm around her shoulder and held her close, afraid of breaking her like she was made of porcelain.

Tanith cleared her throat, grimacing when she realized that it hurt, and willed back the tears. She opened her eyes and tried smiling again.

"Really, I'm fine. I'm bound to be a bit tired, aren't I? I did just get a spirit ripped from my body." She tried a laugh but it came out like a bark, hoarse and bitter.

Ghastly didn't look convinced but he nodded and returned her weak smile.

"You can get back to work if you want, I'm alright here," she murmured, tilting her head back to the sky outside.

"I need to go to the Sanctuary, I won't be too late back."

She nodded and he leaned down to kiss her forehead then walked away. She heard the front door shut and watched through the window as Ghastly climbed into the van and drove out onto the road.

Her reflection in the glass portrayed the opposite of what Tanith Low used to be, before the Remnant. She was almost always cheerful, with colour in her cheeks and life in her eyes. Her skin used to be tanned and her voice used to be full of cheeky comments and sarcastic quips. But when she came back to the 'good side' everyone noticed that her face had turned ashen, her voice had turned whispery and that her eyes had gone misty. Tanith wasn't herself in the slightest.

It was assumed that she should have been happy to return to her friends and her Ghastly. Ghastly had taken her on a date as promised, a steak dinner no less, and they had easily slipped into a relationship like it was the easiest thing in the world. But she still wasn't satisfied and no-one could figure out why.

"I'm sorry, Ghastly," Tanith sighed, talking to herself because she couldn't face talking to the real man.

She took a breath, "I'm sorry that I can't love you like did. I know that I still care for you but I just can't…"

She clutched the blanket closer, feeling her nails dig into her palms through the fabric.

"I changed while I was a Remnant. I didn't mean to but I couldn't stop it. My thoughts got darker and my heart got murkier and I…I…"

The tears spilled over and she clutched at her hair in frustration.

"I'm sorry I'm so pathetic but I don't want to lead you on."

If she had been talking to him then she could imagine his brow furrowing and his fists clenching. He would have told her that she was just tired. She could hear him say it in her head.

"But I'm always tired, don't you see?" she shouted into the darkness, "I'm tired of this!"

She smashed her fist against the window with every word, ignoring the agony that forced itself against her fingers with every hit. A blood vessel in her knuckle burst and left a red stain on the glass that now had a crack running through it. She gripped her hand, cringing when the salt water from her eyes hit the fresh wound. Flinging the blanket to the floor, she threw her head back and cursed at the room.

"Why are things so hard?" she cried, "Why couldn't I stay in love with you?!"

She slammed both hands against the window, her head bowed, the tears falling straight to the floor. She screamed wordlessly and jumped from the chair. She kicked it to the ground.

"But things aren't easy are they?!" she shouted, hammering the wall with her bruised and bleeding fists. She tore a picture off its hook and shattered it against the opposite wall. The glass split and the frame splintered. Tanith collapsed in the pile of broken glass, her hands frantically wiping at her cheeks. She barely noticed when some fragments of glass dug into her skin, when droplets of blood ran down her arms like rain.

She slowly raised her head and combed a hand through her hair, her face still pinched in a look of despair.

"I can't help that I love another," Tanith breathed, "I can't help that I fell _out _of love with you."

Yes, being a Remnant had changed her. She thought that it wouldn't be permanent, just an infatuation while she was possessed. But Tanith hadn't been alone in her time on the 'dark side'. She hadn't been lounging in gloomy corners and killing people on her own.

"I'm sorry that I fell out of love with you," she repeated, crying for the Ghastly that wasn't there, "I'm sorry that I fell in love with Sanguine."

She hated what she had just admitted to herself. True as it was, sometimes she still refused to believe that she had in fact fallen for the psychopath. Everything about that man should have repelled her.

She had but one problem. It hadn't.

She heard Ghastly's van pull into the driveway. Frowning she shoved the broken picture frame under the rug. She floated across the room, quite calm after her outburst, and picked up the blanket. She pulled up the armchair and sat down. The warmth of the blanket was soothing against the still bleeding cuts on her arms. They made her wince but she ignored it, knowing that this was everything she deserved.

"Tanith," Ghastly called from the doorway, "I got the days mixed up. I'm meant to go in tomorrow."

Tanith rubbed her eyes furiously. She could hear him getting closer and closer.

_I can't face him_ she thought, shaking.

So, like a coward, she pretended to be asleep. Closing her eyes relaxed her heartbeat and kept the tears locked behind her eyes like prisoners.

She sensed Ghastly come closer. He sighed. She held her breath, hoping that he would buy her façade. She felt a kiss linger on her cheek.

Then he was gone. His office door shut. Tanith was alone again.

She opened her eyes and began counting the stars. She would do anything to block out the guilt and the unknown emotion dwelling in the depths of her stomach.

Heart-break was it?

She focused on the star that was on the brink of being drowned out by moonlight then she twisted to look at Ghastly's closed office door.

She couldn't imagine the pain she had put Ghastly through, with her being so distant but not telling him why. She promised herself that she would work harder to rekindle the love she most definitely had felt for him. Those unnatural and disgraceful feelings for Sanguine would disappear. All would be well.

At this promise, she felt the strange sensation in her stomach diminish a tiny bit.

Tanith Low had never been one for heart-break. For this situation, though, she could make an exception.

**Thoughts? All reviews are welcome, even if you hated it. **


	2. Chapter 2

**My apologies for the lateness of this chapter but life is busy at the moment so I haven't had a lot of time. Thank you so much for the reviews on the last chapter and I hope you enjoy this one.**

**Carolina Blues :D**

Tanith juddered awake but kept her eyes firmly shut, reluctant to see the world that was so very cruel to her. Colours flared behind her eyes, goading her to greet the day but still, she carried on pretending to be asleep, if only to herself. She didn't know if Ghastly was up. The telltale silence of the tailor's made her think he was out. Her eyes were sensitive from the salt tears that had flooded them time after time and she didn't want the harshness of the air to further irritate them. But still…

She couldn't bare it any longer. Despite her continuing frustration with her life at that present time, she couldn't stand being bored and needed a distraction from the guilt she still felt after being so cold towards Ghastly.

The girl grudgingly let her eyes flicker open, squinting when the distorted glow of the foggy morning sun shone through the crack in the window. She pushed the blanket that had clung to her slightly clammy skin to the floor and stretched.

Ghastly hadn't disturbed her by carrying her to bed the night before so she was stiff from sleeping in the armchair. She noticed the slight lump in the living room carpet. Sighing, she struggled out of the chair, relishing in straightening her legs after being curled up in a teary bedlam. When she ran her hand through her hair, she winced as the strands sliced into the gashes on her knuckles. The blood had been blotted on the blanket in the night but some had dried onto her fingers, staining the skin. Nevertheless, she ignored the dull pain and knelt down on the carpet next to the hiding place of the broken picture frame. Lifting the edge of the rug, she slowly fished out the snapped pieces of dark wood from under it, grimacing at every little bit as it bought on a fresh memory. Glancing upwards, she saw some cloudy red patches on the wall where she had hit it again and again. She looked at them no longer, only making a mental note to clean the blood off later.

Tanith stood up and padded to the hallway where they kept the vacuum cleaner. The linoleum floor of the hall was perishing on her bare feet but she managed to block it out as she heaved up the awkward contraption. Trailing the wire, she trudged back to the living room.

She knew that the constant noise of the cleaner would drive her out of her mind but she didn't want to risk Ghastly noticing the mess after her lucky escape the night before. She pushed the plug into the socket and cringed when she turned it on. As expected, the buzzing drone made her sanity spasm but she composed her face and picked up the rug, shaking it down before throwing it to the other side of the room. The grit-like glass fragments from underneath mingled with the carpet fibres, the facets glinting in the window light. Tanith ran the vacuum cleaner over the glass. When she was content with her long-awaited attempt at cleaning, she flicked off the socket switch with her toe and gathered the pieces of frame in her arms. The edges of them dug into the tiny still-open wounds on her arms from when the glass had pierced her skin. After putting them in the bin, she wandered into the downstairs bathroom, afraid of her reflection.

"What have you done to yourself, girl?" she croaked, checking her cuts in the full-length mirror. She turned on the tap and gladly laid her tingling forearms into the sink. The refreshingly cool water glided over her muscles, feeling like silk as they soothed the gashes. Right there and then, while being the most relaxed she had been all week, she had an idea, like her brain had been seized up and had finally broken free.

While scrubbing the darkening blood from her fingertips she thought about her flash of inspiration.

While trying to tear a brush through her lion-like hair she began to make a plan in her cluttered head, letting her idea grow, letting it twist into something perilous and unachievable.

Tanith didn't like to think that unachievable was in her mental dictionary.

Dryly content with her roughly tamed locks, she strode purposefully to the bedroom she and Ghastly shared. She opened the wardrobe, picking out some skinny jeans and a black jacket that were far from her normal choices of revealing leather but they were comfortable, therefore acceptable.

Her idea still fresh in her head, she slipped off her pyjamas and pulled on the snugly fitting jeans then, after putting on a vest top, she slid into the black jacket. All the while, she was eyeing the telephone on the bedside table. It was her weapon of choice so she felt it necessary to know it was there.

She finished dressing and, after her flurry of activity, she stood still, actually considering what might happen if her plan didn't go accordingly.

_What's the worst that could happen? _The more optimistic part of her thought.

_You could die _replied the negative side of her.

Tanith scoffed _No I couldn't. The worst that could happen is that…is that…_

Her positive state of mind faltered.

Pessimism took this time to strike _The worst that could happen is that Ghastly could find out and he could misunderstand._

She sighed. It was true, Ghastly could find out and it would be so difficult for him to believe her if she explained her true intent.

Her negative side still refused to shut up_ If you really think about it, you could die. I mean the man's a psychopath. He could've changed since you left him. And that's what you did, you left him. Do you think he'd forgive you for that?_

Tanith shook her head defiantly _I don't want him to forgive me; I just want to prove to myself that I don't love him_.

_But we know that's not true, don't we? _sniggered her conscience.

She scowled and clamped her hands over her ears, refusing to listen anymore. When had she ever paid attention to her conscience before? It was about time she did something for herself and she wasn't going to let some infinitesimal part of her get in her way.

Without thinking any longer, she practically dove to the bedside table and snatched up the phone.

With her hands shaking, she dialled a very important number. She held the receiver to her ear, her heart thumping along with the rings. One ring. Two rings. Three rings. Four rings. They were going on forever. Her palms began to sweat and her head ached. She swallowed again and again, wishing that she had listened to her conscience more and more after every empty second. And then…

At five rings the phone was picked up.

Tanith's teeth chattered and her mouth made shapes but no sound came out.

"Hello?" said the other side of the phone.

She cleared her throat and forced some noise out as if she was a toddler just learning to speak.

"Hello," she replied, hoping to God that he recognised her voice.

There was a tense silence, only the light buzzing of the phone between them.

"Is that you, Tanith?"

Tanith stuttered, "It-it's me."

He didn't say anything.

She gulped and composed herself, wondering if she should waste time with pleasantries. She decided to get straight to the point. "I need your help. Meet me?"

Her conscience screamed at her, yelling every profanity it knew, hitting her with every word of abuse that cut her to her core. A tiny bit of her hoped that he would say no. A tiny bit of her hoped that he would be disgusted that she even thought of calling him.

"I don't th – Okay, fine," came the uncertain reply. A shred of her died knowing that she couldn't turn back, not then.

No, no, no! It wasn't meant to be that way! Maybe if he shunned her and pushed her away then she could have finally gotten over him. Her face crumpled.

But she was only human. Once she started talking, the words fell out of her mouth like the tears from her eyes.

"Meet me near the pier in Haggard in ten minutes, but somewhere out of sight, okay?"

"Okay," he whispered doubtfully.

She bit her lip. "And Sanguine?"

"Yes?"

"Don't tell anyone about this."

He hesitated, "No promises." The line cut off.

**Yes, Sanguine has a mobile. **

**Anyway, that wasn't too good but I hope you liked it, all the same. I couldn't see any mistakes but just tell me if you notice any and I'll get editing. If you have any opinions on this then please let me know and the next chapter is the final one. xxx :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning: bad language. **

**I'm so sorry for the wait on this chapter, lovelies. I'm so grateful for you reading and reviewing this, though, and I hope you enjoy this last chapter.**

**Much love, Ginger x**

He was facing away from her as she got to the pier, her arms crossed tightly to somehow block the wind that bit at her chapped lips and her paling skin. Tanith chewed on the inside of her cheek to distract herself from what she was about to do. She failed, of course, but she liked to think that she got credit for trying.

_No credit for you, cheater. _

His head turned a fraction to his left; he must've heard her footsteps on the grassy bank, and she caught sight of the shiny black sunglasses.

"Well, how 'bout this, huh?" he shouted so she could hear him. Tanith winced violently; she wasn't ready for this.

"Here I was, thinkin' that today was gonna be for killin' people and sharpenin' my razor but then Remnant Low gives me a call an' I'm kind enough to put my day on hold for her."

He swivelled around as smoothly as was possible on uneven ground, blonde hair tousled by the wind. The cocky grin on his face was unbearable yet Tanith had got used to bearing it. It made her uncomfortable.

"I guess, though, you ain't Remnant Low any more," Sanguine finished coldly, the grin down turning to a grim line.

Tanith didn't answer but she held her stare. Sanguine shrugged and paced the remaining steps between them.

"What d'ya want?" he asked. He shoved his hands in his pockets, looking over her shoulder in indifference.

Tanith swallowed, her throat clogged up with phlegm and words and paralysis. Her brain was already reprimanding her for doing this. She wasn't ready.

_I'm not in love with you. _"I wanted to see you," she murmured.

"Why's that?"

She looked up at him through her eyelashes and sighed in irritable defeat. Why did she think it would be so easy? Why would seeing him again blanket over the hideously inappropriate feelings she still harboured for him? Funnily enough, as confused and aching as her head was, she figured that it was because she was selfish. Her heart rarely ruled her head but it looked as if it had been doing so without her permission.

Sanguine raised an eyebrow. "Why?" he pressed.

_To say I don't love you. To prove I don't love you. To throw myself off the fucking pier because that's all I deserve. _

"I don't know," she settled for. _Yes you do, selfish cow. _

Sanguine huffed. "Then what am I doin' here?"

_I love you_. "I missed you," she whispered.

"How'd ya manage that?" he scoffed, "You're Tanith Low, you ain't no Remnant anymore."

_I'm your Tanith Low. _"I'm still me," she tried.

Sanguine scuffed his shoe against the ground. "You ain't got a bad bone in ya body, girl, so what ya doin' missin' me?"

_That's all I've been doing._ "You were a part of my life for a while."

"It wasn't your life. My beautiful Remnant is bein' torn apart in some fancy lab and I ain't never gonna see her again. What are ya doin' here, Low? Ya need someone killin'?"

_You can start with me. _"Against my better judgement," she began, "I wanted to ask you…"

Sanguine crossed his arms and she realised what a lost cause this was. This wasn't what she wanted. This wasn't how this was supposed to go.

_I don't love you. I don't. I don't. I don't. _

It hurt. It hurt to say it over and over again because all she could here in her head was that he didn't love her.

_He doesn't love me. _

"I'm this close to killin' ya, Low," he muttered.

_Yes, please. _Her limbs weakened. There was nothing left to lose. "I wanted to know if you loved her," Tanith said softly.

Her jumper suddenly became very hot on her skin and her tongue too heavy in her mouth. His hateful lack of eyes had always got on her nerves but now she had never wanted so much to be able to read him.

His eyebrow rose again. "My Remnant?"

_No, me. _"Yes."

"She was fun to have around. She was as bloodthirsty as me. Now that's sayin' somethin'. Why d'ya want to know?" he questioned warily.

_I'm so tired. _"Because she was a part of me. I wanted to know if … she was wasting her time."

Sanguine stroked his chin and began circling her. She followed him with wide eyes, legs frozen in place.

"Are ya lyin', Low?"

She swallowed. _Yes. _"No."

He stopped in front of her, much closer than he'd been before. She turned her head but the warmth of his breath still flustered her cheek. She wasn't going to survive the minute.

_Think of Ghastly. _

"Tell me what ya thinkin'," he purred.

_Think of Ghastly. _"I'm not thinking of anything."

He grunted. "I know that ya lyin', Low. I could always tell when my Remnant was lyin' and she shared your face. Tell me exactly what's goin' on in that head o' yours."

_Think of …_

"Come on," he urged.

_No. _"Stop it."

He grabbed her forearms and squeezed hard. "Tell me."

_I won't say I love you. _"I won't," she cried.

He sighed angrily. "An' I won't let go."

_I'm not in love with you. _"Why do you want to know?"

Sanguine would've narrowed his eyes. "You're hidin' somethin'. I hate that."

She yanked her arms from his grip, catching a glimpse of the shiny silver razor in his trouser pocket as his jacket lifted up. _I'm so tired. _"I'm so tired," she muttered, defeated.

"Tell me," he said, more softly that time.

_I can't tell you. _"I won't tell you."

"Come on."

She shook her head, her eyes getting wetter. _I love him. _"I love _him._"

He frowned and tilted his head. "Who? _Him?_"

Tanith turned her back and stomped away. _No, not him._ "It's nothing."

She felt him behind her in a flash, latched onto her wrist.

"It's not nothin'. 'You love _him'. _It's not like you were announcin' it, it's like you were tryin' to convince yerself. What are ya talkin' about, Tanith?"

She tried to shake him off but he pulled her to his side and then to face him. He was using her first name and it thrilled her. His body was pushed against her as he gripped her wrists behind her back.

"Now ya can't get away," he taunted.

_I don't want to. _"I don't want to," she confessed.

"What?" he said, bewildered.

She looked up into his face and she couldn't even deny it anymore. Her mind kept shouting Ghastly, Ghastly, Ghastly but her mind couldn't be trusted. His lips were inches above her, apart and slicked from when he last licked them. Her lips were coarse and split and fast as she forced them onto his, desperate and brain-dead but desperate and satisfied.

_Ghastly, Ghastly, Ghastly._

She twisted her hands away from his and tangled them in his hair.

_Stop, please, please, please. _She sure as hell couldn't stop.

Sanguine grinned smugly into the kiss like this was a game he was winning but still he returned her fervour and slipped his hands under her jumper to the small of her back.

_Bitch. Selfish bitch. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT._

"Aargh!" she yelled, pushing herself away, entirely unsure if she was crying. She tasted the salt on her lips but that might have just been the tingle that he had left on them.

_I can't do it. _"I can't live with this anymore!"

"What d'ya mean, girl?" he shouted, wiping his mouth, "Ya can't just kiss me and confuse me then push me away without tellin' me what the hell's goin' on! I swear to God, I'll kill ya."

_I'm so in love with you._ "I'm so in love with you."

She was glad she was facing away because now she knew she was crying.

_Weak_.

"I'm so tired. I hate you and I love you. I can't stand it. Let me go," she pleaded. She let her head loll back to look at the sky. It was grey, stormy. She took a moment to appreciate how much it fitted the mood.

_Make the pain go away. Let me go. _

"If you tell me you hate me, I can accept it," she said, "I won't fight, I promise."

Only the wind made a sound. Even her ragged breathing stopped.

"I promise," she repeated, "Come on, break me down. I don't care. Tell me you hate me."

She swallowed when there was no answer and looked through tear-glazed eyes over her shoulder. She turned her head back, her face finally crumpling, a few weighty tears draining down her face.

_See, he never loved you. He's gone, he ran. He never loved you, stupid girl. _

Tanith nodded, quite alone. Alone.

_Alone is what you deserve. _

* * *

She stayed out all day, wandering from place to place, the voice inside her head staying put and telling her how stupid, how selfish she was. She could see Ghastly pacing the living room as she made her way to the front door, illuminated by lamplight. All out of emotion, she saw his worried form and felt nothing like the worthless cow she knew she was. She'd never let herself forget how undeserved and stupid she was, it didn't matter what she had to do to make everyone else realise it. Kill, suffer, die? Whatever

She fell against the door and dropped to the ground, hands clasped and shaking on her knees.

The stars were out and once again she was a stargazer, working to keep the sky in focus. She didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

**I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading x**


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